HALF WAY THERE! Whole30: Day 15

Take a moment and sing the chorus of Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer and own every word of it. Yes, Whole30ers, we are half way there! It's day fifteen. How do you feel? What has surprised you so far? What challenges are you still struggling with? What are your goals for the next half? I want to know!

My inner critic (his name is Ed) rose up and beat me down yesterday. Loud and consistently harsh, he kept berating me. “You didn’t get up at 5:00 for your workout, lazy ass. You wasted all day Sunday watching football. You should have been finding spin songs or writing. You’re eating too much salt. You should be smaller. Why is your belly still pooching? You should exercise more. You’re a terrible doggie mom for not walking Landi yesterday. You’re blog posts are lack luster lately. You think you’re putting in effort? You think you’ll maintain this momentum and healthy change? Yeah, right.”

We all have that ugly, disparaging voice that cuts us down and makes us feel worthless. But I chalk this assault up to my body and mind’s final resistance against the changes I’m making with the Whole30. It’s called extinction burst (Google and learn). My bad habits are attacking with one last hurrah in an effort to stick around. They’re fighting with everything they’ve got. Ed realizes that he’s losing. He knows that I am capable of eliminating his hateful words and succeeding in my goals. That scares the shit out of him. Ed is comfortable in my brain. He knows how to manipulate me to always get his way, and he doesn’t want to give that up.

Do I sound crazy? Trust me I don’t have multiple personality disorder. Naming that hateful inner voice is one of the best ways to confront and combat it. We expect perfection of ourselves, even though we know it’s impossible. We expect that our bodies be lean and our skin clear, our houses spotless and decorated. We expect our jobs to be fulfilling and our work, excellent. We expect to hone our hobbies, to get through our day with energy left to spare, to be these glorious, culturally developed beings who can do anything and everything and care for everybody without fault. But it will never happen. We may do our best, but that inner critic will always tell us it’s not good enough. He will always find ways we could improve and ways we have failed.

 

Standing in front of the mirror, I told Ed to shut up. I voiced out loud all of the successes I’ve achieved in the last two weeks. I’ve stayed 100% compliant to the Whole30. I haven’t binged in over two weeks (a record). I’ve written every single day. I’ve made time for exercise every day. I’ve prepped and experimented to make this challenge as easy and successful as possible. I’m shifting my focus from weight loss to health. I feel good, and I’m proud of myself.

 

For awhile I've debated on what to divulge and what to keep private on this blog. Then today I read a post from Zenhabits and was struck by this excerpt:

 

“I will write with honesty and feeling.” – Ted Nicholas. I’ve long since giving up caring about how others choose to judge me. What matters more than others’ opinions is the number of people that I can help by sharing advice and encouragement in my writing. The most powerful songs are written by songwriters who bare their souls. So screw it, let’s do it. Let’s put it all out there. I’m not going to help as many people as I could if I keep the “real info” to myself. I also understand now, better than ever, that sometimes you have to “write to repel” in order to strongly attract the readers you desire."

 

Many of you already know that I have struggled with an eating disorder for nearly thirteen years now. I've swung on the pendulum from one end of the e.d. spectrum to the other. Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating, Body Dismorphic Disorder- I've dabbled, no, wallowed in it all. I never been shy about discussing my disorder. For years I felt like it made me stand out, made me different, and it has definitely given me opportunity to help others with the same struggle. That whole time I felt like the eating disorder and I were one. I couldn't define myself apart from it, from Ed (get it? E.d. eating disorder?).

 

Then during my yoga teacher training last year, I realized that every one of us has a similar story. Every one of us has some struggle or event that has shaped and molded who we are. Everyone has hurt like I hurt. None of us are alone in our pain or struggles. It is that story that makes us unique. My eating disorder has helped developed my passion for health and my compassion for those who fight with their bodies. But I also learned (and finally embraced) that we are not our struggles. They may mold us, but they do not define us. The eating disorder is not me. You are not your struggles nor your inadequacies.

 

Also know that things will get better. For twelve years I felt hopeless and resigned myself to the fact that I'd be plagued with eating disorder issues for the rest of my life. Then last year, baby step by baby step, things started to change. I don't take all the credit. Several things came together at just the right time to make my recovery progress. And was not easy. The inner digging and tinkering exhausted me. Relationships were strained. Many days, frustration at its peak, I'd scream profanities at Ed as if he were sitting next to me. Some days I felt truly crazy.

 

But there are always silver linings. God does not leave us alone. Maybe you feel that way now. Maybe you feel hopeless, too (or maybe I am way off base with all of this). I understand. It's hard to trust the Lord when you've endured years and years of relentless trials. But He is always faithful. There is a purpose and plan for every struggle you battle. I am lightyears ahead of where I began 2012. I am a completely changed person, but even now I wonder what is in store and how God will use me. The difference is I know He has something big planned. And I know He will keep propelling me forward, maybe not always as fast or in the ways I would like, but I will get there, imperfections and all.







Remember, we do not have to be perfect to be good enough. We can love ourselves, be proud of ourselves, even if we’re flawed. We have no other choice.

Take a second to check in with yourself and write down your experience so far and everything that you've discovered. Write to heal and reveal successes, challenges, and solutions that you hadn't realized before. Embrace what you learn. Give thanks for all the wonderful and unique things about yourself and take pride in them. Show them off. Love the present you. Not the you at the end of the Whole30 or the thinner, more disciplined you. Love the imperfect, hardworking, strong, beautiful, extraordinary you, right now.

Love to you all.
Christan