A couple of days ago I was talking to my mom, who had had a particularly rotten day. “I ate fries and a frosty. I told myself no, but I did it anyway. Then we had birthday cake for a co-worker,” she said. The following day a dear friend lamented that she felt guilty for not blogging with consistency. “I don’t ever read like I should,” I commiserated. My very first thoughts this morning as my brain fluttered to consciousness and my hand slipped over my belly were I should not have eaten that whole plate of nachos last night. Way to keep a fat belly, CK. It was followed with regret for staying in bed until 6:00 instead of rising at 5:00 and for opting to watch TV instead of working out last night.
Then I got angry.
I don’t want to beat myself up anymore for what I ate, or the books I haven’t read, or the meditation and yoga I haven’t been practicing. And I don’t want my mother or my friends to be down on themselves because of frosties and an inconsistent blogging habit. Their worth is measured by far more than that. I don’t think any less of my mom for eating French fries for lunch on a stressful day. To me it will not register any difference in the way she looks; she will still be the most beautiful woman I know. I don’t think she is weak, fat, or pathetic. All it means to me is that an awesome woman ate a side of potatoes cooked in oil for lunch and nothing more. I don’t think my friend lacks discipline or is a failure because she doesn’t blog consistently. She’s still one of the smartest, witty people I know. I marvel at the fact that she attempts to blog at all while caring for two children, settling into a new home, working a full time job, and chairing at least two community clubs. Inconsistent blogging does not diminish her super woman status.
Why is it that we beat ourselves up over these things? Clearly, those things that we feel guilty over are the ones that hold great importance to us. My mother and I think it’s important to avoid fast food and eat whole foods for optimal health. My friend and I were born with a talent for and need to write, therefore blogging (or any outlet of creative writing) is important to us. The guilt for slipping up on a diet or not honing your talent is understandable, but is it necessary?
Think about how much energy we waste feeling guilty and beating ourselves up for choices we make and things we do or don’t do. Think about all the things you could accomplish if you refocused that energy into positive thoughts and actions. What if when you have a bad day and you find yourself at Wendy’s for lunch you say, “I want fries and a frosty. I want them because it’s a stressful day and because they will taste delicious.” And what if you just ate them and said, “Damn, that was good,” and let that be the end of it. What if when you start to despair because you haven’t written anything in a while you acknowledge your life is crazy and then write one single sentence, the most beautifully creative sentence you can craft, and post it (and be proud of it!). What if we realized that we are human. We are fallible. We aren’t going to eat perfectly all the time. In fact there will be periods of time where we may eat junk consistently. We aren’t going to meet every standard we set for ourselves. There will be times when we simply can’t keep the house clean, don’t have time to make a home cooked meal, avoid exercise or our yoga practice. There will be times when we watch too much TV, don’t call stay in touch with our grandmothers regularly, and feed the dog half of our bowl of chili because we are too lazy to get up and mix the canned and dry dog food together.
And guess what? IT’S OK. We are imperfect beings, but that does not make a single one of us any less extraordinary, nor does it devalue our worth.
Here’s my suggestion, and it’s advice that I need to practice and keep close to my own heart. Evaluate those things for which you feel guilty and beat yourself up. Decide if they are truly important to you or if they are just “shoulds” placed in your life by society, your family, your friends, etc. Then make conscious and deliberate choices to pursue those important things. So…it’s really important to me that I write consistently—I have a talent for it. I got my degree in it. I want to have a career in it—therefore I need to be adamant in my writing. Or take yoga for example. As a yoga teacher it is very important that I have my own yoga practice, and I feel really guilty that I don’t practice on my own very often. If I want to grow and improve as a teacher I’ve got to practice yoga. I decide it’s important so I make the commitment to do it. Then there’s something like reading. I feel like I should be devouring books. Indeed, to be a good writer, you need to be an avid reader. But my days are jam packed from 5:15am when I wake up to 7:30pm when I get home, and, frankly, I enjoy flopping on the couch and vegging to Desperate Housewives. Sure, I’d benefit more from picking up a book, but most nights I just need to switch to autopilot and crash. So I’m not gonna feel guilty anymore for not reading a lot.
It’s far easier said than done, but it boils down to this. Be mindful in your choices and actions, and then cut yourself some slack. Focus your energies on the positives in life and your small achievements. So you ate fries at lunch? Who cares? You came home and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Find pride in that. You didn’t blog today? So what. You snuggled up to your kiddos and read them a story. You’re their hero. Didn’t read a chapter in that book? It’s ok; you spent the last hour laughing with your husband while watching the antics on Wisteria Lane. Those are good things. They are the little moments that make life grand. Sets your sights on them. Cultivate more of them and let go of the rest. Your life is far too precious to be spent laden with guilt over the “shoulds” and “should nots”. Remember that.
Love to you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment