A Reluctant Affair

I confess; I live a half-life. Much of my time I spend wondering and worrying about what my life will look like in the next 6 months. Will my husband be promoted or transferred? Where will we live? Will we still be North Georgia? Should I look for another job? Or do I stick it out where I am? Does my husband even want to move? Will there be resentment if we leave North Georgia? We’ve lived in Ringgold now for two and a half years, and it has taken me exactly that amount of time to form a bond with the area. I’ve finally admitted to my crush on Chattanooga, and it wants to blossom into a full on love affair. Yet, I keep myself at arms’ length. I can’t get too attached, not if we’ll be leaving by the time the year is through (if being the operative word).

I spend at least 6 days of my week in Chattanooga. My resistance to her charms was futile. The breeze off the river whispered secrets in my ear every time I walked across the Market Street Bridge. The windowed angles of the Aquarium glistened like diamonds. Chattanooga invited me to stroll her sidewalks lined with the shops of hardworking yet laid back owners. She coerced me to play barefoot in the waterfall stairs of the River Walk and slide down her broad grassy banks. We grew close over weekends in the North Shore practicing yoga and lunching at Greenlife.
 

Centennial Park, The Delta Queen, Walnut St. Bridge,
and the Aquarium in the background

I’ve imagined our future together. I pretend I am one of the more recognizable names around town when it comes to writing and fitness. I see myself volunteering my time and executing large fund raisers for mental and physical health awareness. I see myself teaching large yoga classes in Centennial Park and writing columns for Get Out and Chattanooga Magazine. I see the smiles of the people I'd help and my network of colleagues and peers. They are active, easy-going, resourceful, and mindful. The crave balance like I do and create it for themselves. They inspire me.  Like a teenager with her first love, I have Chattanooga's and my whole life planned out.
 

But like in most relationships, I’ve built my walls, and I’m not keen on dismantling them. To become anymore attached to Chattanooga while the details of my home life are up in the air would be inviting pain. I will already miss the city whenever we leave. I don’t want to miss it any more than is necessary. Here again, we come to the problem of living the half-life. I choose not to fully integrate myself in order to not hurt in the future, but that leaves the present lackluster and wanting. My days are extraordinarily busy, but they are packed with the mundane “have to do” responsibilities of life, not the things that set me on fire. I’ve already taken a few steps to make the time outside of my 9 to 5 the life I live for, but I am the point in my life where I need more change. I need to actively pursue those things I love with all my energies. I know it’s possible to achieve what I desire, but I stall. What’s the point in finding a job more suited to my talents and integrating myself into something (even if I’ll love it) if we are only going to uproot within the next few months or year?

Were I talking to a friend, I’d tell them that the point of pursuing those things now is to make the most of your life in this present moment because (warning: cliché coming) the present is all we have. This very moment- that’s it. And if you’re miserable, but refuse to change things because there’s a possibility you might not be in this place in the next few months, then you’re only cheating yourself, honey. What’s the worst that could happen? You find your dream job and then move 3 months later? Yes, that would suck, but wouldn’t it suck worse to slog out those 3 months in a place (warning: drama queen mode kicking in) that makes you feel dead inside?

I can’t decide if that sounds too idealistic- “follow your heart and dreams now”- and if I need to counter it with a spoonful of practicality- “it is responsible to stay where you are now, until you know what you’re plans are. Don’t give up a good paying job for uncertainty”. My idealist and rationalist are always at war (but that taps into a whole other post about dual nature I’ve got simmering). I guess the best advice I can give myself is to not worry so much about the future and things that are not yet decided. Yes, I’ve waited a long time for concrete direction and will have to wait a bit longer, but the answers are coming. When they do I can spring into action. Until then, I must shed the worry and live as mindfully as possible in this present moment, being content with my circumstances as they are but still pursuing those things that light me up so I can spill that light onto others. God has everything in control. All I have to do is let Him drive.